Surviving Thanksgiving: the reality show in your dining room

Ah yes… Thanksgiving – a time, for gathering around the table with turkey and all the trimmings while navigating through the landmines of family dynamics and spirited debates that could rival any cable news program! If your holiday gatherings tend to veer into territory filled with discussions and differing opinions galore. Fear not! Lets explore some tactics to help you preserve your well being during this season and aim for a touch of heartwarming charm akin to “It’s a Wonderful Life” rather than a chaotic comedy, like “National Lampoon.” 

1.      Set goals (The lower the bar the better. Seriously).

If your family has a tradition of transforming dinner time, into a discussion forum akin to a debate club gathering; anticipate that this year will be no exception to the norm! Brace yourself for Uncle Dons remarks and Aunt Karens ever curious musings on your personal decisions (seriously though, why haven’t you tied the knot and popped out a dozen kids yet?!?). Be ready, for the possibility of someone storming off in a huff before dessert is served! By keeping your expectations grounded in reality from the start and mentally preparing yourself accordingly; you can navigate through the evening without being caught off guard by any surprises or letdowns. And can hopefully be the one avoiding stomping off in a huff.

2.      Set Boundaries (and actually stick to them)

Say it work me “boundaries are our friends.” Setting boundaries can be really helpful, in navigating this Thanksgiving. Some phrases to have in your pocket to help could be:

“I’d rather not talk about politics now.”

“Sorry Aunt Karen I’d rather focus on everyone’s accomplishments rather than talking about my love life. How is work going?”

“A great philosophizing rabbit once said ‘if you can’t say anything nice don’t say ‘nuthin at all.’ So today my motto is not to speak about anything that anyone could think of as anything but nice. ”

Practice these statements beforehand if necessary and deliver them with a sense of calm but assertiveness, in your tone of voice. A smirk may be ok but avoid the sarcasm laced tone of voice. Keep in mind that you are only responsible for your reactions and not theirs. And remember no matter how tempting it is to make a dig at them when you do that you’re no longer holding boundaries but entering into their Drama Triangle (see previous blogs).

 3.      Pick your battles (or better yet, avoid them all together ).

 Let’s be honest, it’s hard to ignore comments and not engage in every snide comment or hot topic conversation that comes your way.  However if you’re prepared hopefully you can avoid being baited into your family’s drama. I’ve found the best way to do this is to take a breath, put on a fake smile (if you can), and turn the conversation back to the person while continuing to set your boundary. Here’s an example:

Uncle Don: ”Can you believe this election year!? Who did you vote for this time?”

You: “Oh this year I’m trying to not talk about politics. I’d much rather hear about your diving trip in Mexico. Did you see any sharks?”

You’re not avoiding the issue just simply choosing to prioritize your peace of mind over their nosiness. Remember sometimes you have to sound like a broken record to finally be heard. 

“Oh thanks so much for being so involved with politic Uncle Don. This year politics has been everywhere and I just need a break. so I’ve decided to focus on spending time with my family during the holidays and save the talks, for the New Year. So what else did you see while diving?”

4.      Always have and Exit Strategy (The Bathroom Is Your Safe Haven)

When things start to get intense around the dinner table remember it’s ok to step away. You can going for a walk, volunteer to pick up some ice (because you can never have too much ice), or sneak off to the bathroom for a moment alone. There’s no shame needing a break. And if your family is just a little too judgey they can’t really say anything about you going to the restroom or helping out the family. So take as long as you want because the line was long to get ice or your stomach isn’t feeling well (which may get you an excuse to leave early – bonus).

5.      Bring a Buffer (or call one in)

If you can manage it may be helpful to have someone with you who understands that Aunt Karen is definitely going to poke into everyone’s private lives. A partner, sibling, cousin, or friend on the same wavelength as you can be worth more than their weight in gold. Don’t have anyone to be there with you physically? No worries! Just try to plan ahead by having a friend send you check in texts throughout the day instead. Having someone to commiserate with can be super helpful. You can even make a game of it. Dysfunctional Family Bingo anyone?

 6.      Concentrate on the aspects within your control (Hint. It doesn’t involve others).

The old adage – the only behavior you can control is your own unfortunately applies here. While it may be nice to dream of a day when you could change someone’s behavior or mind the holidays are probably not the best time to experiment with your dream. Instead focus on what you can do. Try to prepare yourself mentally prior to going by relaxing, yoga or a mediation anyone. While at the event try to use some of your skills that you’ve learned previously – such as square breathing or the five senses. During the event is not the time to try something new. So practice your skills beforehand and stick to those. Focusing on your wellbeing is the only thing you can truly be in charge of when it comes to human behavior. 

7.      Discover Moments of Appreciation (Even If It’s Just a Slice of Pie)

Thanksgiving doesn’t have to be a Norman Rockwell painting to be good.  So whether its eating that delicious slice of banana cream pie (or pumpkin for you purists), a laugh with a cousin, or just making it through the day without any table flipping incidents – there’s always something to appreciate and be thankful for. Gratitude doesn’t make listening to Uncle Don’s rendition of how he would run the country if he were in charge but it can help us find the good in the shit show of our family holiday. 

8.         Give Yourself Grace (You’re Only Human)

When things get tough, or you start to feel stressed out, just remember that you’re only human (which may be questionable for others in your family let’s be honest). Dealing with family relationships and past issues can be incredibly challenging. Just keep in mind that you’re trying your best and that’s all that matters. Once the day is done take some time to treat yourself —whether its by watching your favorite TV show for the millionth time, enjoying a long hot shower, or indulging in a big piece of leftover pie. You deserve it..

Conclusion

 Thanksgiving can be challenging when dealing with family dynamics and conflicting political views; however by setting boundaries, prioritizing self care, and adding a touch of humor, you can make it through the holiday season with more peace and hopefully less drama. And if all else fails remember  - there’s always pie 😋